Why don’t you have any blueberry pie?

Why don’t you have any gluten free pasta?

Why don’t you have organic lettuce?


Because FUCK YOU! (that’s why)

P.S. That’s not me in the photo (had to clarify) I have much nicer teeth

Things You Shouldn’t Say to a Waitress (Unless you are a Dick)

Restaurant folk are strange and somewhat angry to being with, so don’t push your luck. We hear some pretty stupid shit on a daily basis. Here are some things that warrant a high-five. in the face. with a chair:

  • "Water all Around" On a table of 8 when only one person is seated. How can you possibly know the beverage choices of all of your friends? Kudos to you if you do, but if I find 7 of those waters with that cute little straw flag on at the end of your meal, I hope you drown in that 8oz glass, you greedy fuck.
  • "They do it for me" That shit never works quite as well as just asking politely. Obviously you’re the queen of somewhere, just not here. So stop being such a raging bitch!  Thanks
  • "Why?" In reference to a price, why you can’t take free dessert home, or why we don’t have gluten-free sugar-free vegan blueberry crumble. It wasn’t bad enough you had to ask such asinine questions to begin with, now you must contemplate why things are the way they are. Well, here’s a thought: find a hobby. You’ll have much less time to think about stupid shit. These are the rules. I’m just doing my job. End of story. Die.
  • "It’s coming out of your tip" This is never funny. Ever. That’s like your boss saying if you don’t make your monthly quota you’re getting a dick up your ass. You are a fucking asshole, you fucking asshole fuck. And you deserve a dick up your ass.

Me? Angry. No way. You try dealing with a bunch of fucktards on a daily basis and not getting an assault charge. It’s not as easy as it looks.

Hey you, I wil be your server today…and by the way


  • No, your baby can’t have crackers
  • It’s not myth _____ people don’t tip
  • If you can’t afford a 20% tip, go to a place that has a drive-thru
  • If you have to ask, you can’t afford it
  • Yes, I do mind splitting your check
  • Please hold all verbal tips. Lets stick to cash only.
  • I’ve never spit in anyone’s food, but don’t tempt me
  • Everything that’s wrong with your food is the kitchen’s fault
  • My section is a no-camping zone, so eat and be on your merry way
  • T.I.P.S = “To Insure Proper Service” so tip me jerk!

Fast Food

It’s time again for another exciting edition of Haiku Wednesday! This ones a doozy!

Oh, you’re in a rush?

Let me cook your chicken fast…

Mmm, Salmonella!

That terrifying moment when little Marty realizes that his death will be by an avalanche of deliciousness
I legitimately laughed so hard I cried

That terrifying moment when little Marty realizes that his death will be by an avalanche of deliciousness

I legitimately laughed so hard I cried

Some dogs have arthritis or a limp which makes it difficult for them to walk, or they may not be able to walk very far. If their owner still wants to go on a walk and wants to take their dog with them, it's practical to have a dog stroller. Don't assume that every person who has a dog stroller does it to coddle or baby their pets. It's rude to do that, and obviously is an incorrect assumption.

WOW, you sure did think that through. You must have a lot of time to think about things like this. Go you!

Paging Dr. Goldstein


This haiku was inspired by my (sexy) dentist, Dr. Goldstein, whom I had the pleasure of seeing today! I know, I know, it’s not Wednesday! You’re welcome anyway :)

The dentist awaits

to clean my lustrous chompers

hope we wears those gloves

A rapper that’s not a narcissist? That’s so 90s!

Have a splendid awesome song Friday!

Color Me Rad


This week’s gem comes from me (obviously). This weekend I ran the color me rad race and it was awesome! Here is my story:

Color Me Rad Race

Rainbow cornstarch in my face

Wonka would be proud

"This is how we do it. It’s Friday night and I feel alright…"

Fun Fact: Montell Jordan was a pimp in 1995, but Is now a pastor…?!?

Don’t believe me? Here’s the proof: http://blogs.laweekly.com/westcoastsound/2013/05/montell_jordan_interview.php

Pimps and Pastors: Happy Friday Everyone!